When being happy is hard

I want to start this blog post off by saying that I’ve been really wary about posting this, out of fear that someone out there might take it the wrong way or misconstrue my words. Sometimes when you speak from the heart, things come out wrong. Or you mess up by over explaining because you’re afraid people aren’t truly understanding what it is you’re saying. People might get weirded-out, judgmental, or even offended when all you’re trying to do is be honest and open up. Once you put yourself out there, people will start to pick you apart. There are people out there who will twist your words or rip you to shreds. My reason for posting this is because I try to stay pretty transparent on my blog, since it is, after all, a personal blog. I’d feel (and do feel) like a fraud if I tried to portray myself one way when I feel like a completely different person. So here I go…

depression-5239201

You might remember back in February when I posted this little update about a few life changes, where I shared my story about my experience with medication regarding depression and anxiety. I had a bad experience with some anti-depressants that I’d been taking (short term) and decided to get off of them. I was saying goodbye to medication and trying some alternative methods to deal with my problem, like yoga, diet, and supplements.
Well guys, the yoga and vitamins aren’t working.
I’m pretty sure I’m depressed and I’m pretty sure my anxiety is out of control.
It’s getting harder and harder to hide the way I feel from everyone else around me, and I’m pretty sure people are starting to catch on. Sure, on my blog and social media things probably seem fine. But in reality it’s a daily struggle just to get up and face another day.
{This is where I have to stop typing and go in my room to cry for a few minutes}
Some mornings I just lay in bed and think things like: What’s the point? Another day of doing the same thing over and over again? Clean the house? Do the laundry? Figure out what the hell is going to make everyone happy for dinner again? Bath time & the screaming that is bedtime, again? Grocery shopping- hooray. Oh, another trip to the park where I sit alone because none of the other moms will talk to me? I can’t wait. Sometimes I feel like the rest of the world is totally passing me by while I sit here and fold laundry, wash dishes, and tell the kids for the millionth time today to stop doing whatever it is they are doing. Other people are actually living their lives and accomplishing things, and all I’ve managed to do today is keep the kids alive and the house looking semi-nice. When the kids go to sleep, all I want to do is crawl in my bed, pull the blanket up over my head and not have anyone talk to me or ask me for anything.

What’s the freaking point? Is this what my life is now?

I know you all have had these thoughts before, or at least one of them. I know it’s a normal part of being a bored stay at home mom, but lately these thoughts have consumed me. I’ve been resenting my kids and my husband for every little thing they do. If someone makes a mess, I lose it. The kids argue? It drives me to the point of insanity. Someone asks me for something at the wrong time and I might fly off the handle. And really for no reason. It’s not that there’s anything major that’s wrong. My life is pretty good I think. I have a husband who loves me and supports me, and I have 2 happy & healthy children. My life is not perfect- but definitely better than some people I know, and I am thankful for that. But people think that because I’m married and I’m a stay at home mom that I’ve just got it made, and that every day I must wake up feeling happy and fulfilled.

I’ve been a stay at home mom for about almost 9 years now. I went to beauty school for about a year and a half in there somewhere (before I had my 2nd child), and I worked for a short period of time a couple years ago, but besides that, I’ve been home by myself with the kids while my husband works. And he works a lot. Being a stay at home mom is hard, guys. I mean, really, truly difficult. It’s harder than getting up and going to a full time job every day. It’s been all about the kids for so long, and not at all about me…not even a little. Somewhere along the way, I feel like I’ve kind of lost myself a little and I’ve totally alienated myself from the people in my life. It’s hard to hide the fact that you’re unhappy so you stop answering the phone when people call you and reply less often to people’s texts and Facebook messages. Sooner or later though, your friends give up. They stop calling, or they don’t text as often. They definitely don’t invite you places and they don’t even tell you anymore when they are in your town visiting- they don’t want to visit you! They find new friends, move on with their exciting lives, and leave you to deal with your weird, hermit-like, anti-social tendencies. I don’t mean to push people away or shut people out, but sometimes it’s hard to pretend to be so darn happy, especially when people view you as this awesome, amazing mom and wife who does it all. They can’t fathom the idea that you’d have anything to be sad about!

The truth is I’m lonely. I’m bored. I’m tired all the time. I’m losing interest in things I used to enjoy. Lately I don’t even want to do things like read- and when I don’t want to read a freaking book I know something is wrong. You might have noticed in my blog writing that I’ve mentioned things like “being in a funk” or “feeling moody” a lot lately and I realize I’m using those phrases more and more frequently. That’s not me. That’s not who I am. Why am I this angry person? That’s how I feel all the time now. Annoyed. Irritated. Mad. Emotional. Upset. Whatever. I don’t want to feel this way about my kids and my husband.

100_8325-3170068

Not every day is bad. Some days are great. And I do find joy in my every day life. I love my kids. I do. Words can’t even begin to describe the love that I have for my two amazing children. Most of this time at home with them has been cherished, and we’ve made so many great, happy memories together. Being a mom has always been challenging, and it’s only recently that I’ve started to feel the way that I do now. It’s not because of any one thing- nothing major happened that pushed me into this “depression.” It’s been a gradual thing that I’ve noticed, and I see how it has changed me as a mom and a wife.

Now on top of being sad, angry, and anxious, I have guilt. My 5 year old daughter is starting kindergarten in September, and instead of laying on the floor crying “Noooooo! Not my baby!” I’m counting down the days until school starts. I know, it’s horrible right? But all I can think right now is “Finally- a little bit of time to myself!” I feel like a terrible mother for feeling that way. According to everyone else, I should be cherishing these last few moments at home with her before she goes off too school, because before I know it the kids will be grown up and gone and I’ll be here all alone. I get that. I really do. I’ve been having major anxiety about my kids growing up and I’m starting to notice that time is flying by much faster than it used to. But I’m overwhelmed and tapped out right now. I haven’t had a day off in…I don’t know how long. I’m “on” 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I feel like Lily starting kindergarten and Ayden going back to school is the light at the end of my tunnel right now, and if I can just hold on until then, things might get better. Yes, I will be sad. I know the days of her being a baby are long gone. But those couple of hours where they are both in school every day will be my built in break that I haven’t given myself in 9 years. Is that so wrong? Apparently it is, because when I mentioned this to my husband he groaned and said “Not my daughter! I don’t want my baby girl going to school. Don’t be happy about things like that!” And that’s when I went back to feeling ashamed and selfish about wanting to send my baby off to school. It’s not my husband’ s fault that he doesn’t get it. He can’t, because he’s at work every day and isn’t here to see how truly lonely it can be. He doesn’t see all of the moments during the day where I’m overwhelmed, overworked, and stressed out because I can’t just get a moment’s peace.

I’ve been trying, I mean really trying everything I can to make myself feel better. I’m trying to make some friends here, but it can be pretty discouraging when I get this reaction from other moms, especially when I’m really trying to meet people. I’ve been eating better, exercising regularly, doing yoga, taking extra vitamins, and have been actively trying to get out of the house more, but I’m still struggling. So much so that I decided to bite the bullet and make an appointment with my doctor to talk about getting on some kind of medication again. I don’t like the idea of being just another depressed, stressed out, medicated mom out there, but I also don’t want to continue to put myself and my family through any more of this craziness. I clearly can’t deal with this issue on my own because I’m doing a horrible job at it. If you want an honest opinion, ask my poor husband or my kids. They can tell you what a treat I’ve been to be around the last few months.

Some people might roll their eyes and tell me to snap out of it.
Or that I shouldn’t have become a mom if I couldn’t handle the stress.
That I should just be thankful I have kids. And a husband.
Or that I should get a hobby.
Or a job.
Or a life.

 Duly noted.

But I know myself enough to know that something is wrong, and I’m tired of feeling this way about myself. I want to be the mom and wife I used to be, and not this angry, stressed out, emotionally fragile shell of a woman that I am now.

Hopefully I can get back to that person again soon.

familycollage-5718428

If you think you’re depressed, talk to a loved one, a friend, or your doctor. Don’t suffer in silence and don’t just hope that it will one day go away on it’s own. I know it seems like you’re the only one who feels the way you do, but trust me, there are many many people out there going through the same thing you are.

blogsignoff-8936645

Linked up at:
sundayfunday_zps2482bf24-2429609